Back in the Stone Age, the average meat-eater was slimmer and trimmer than the average meat-eater today. Before there were QFCs and Safeways, cavemen and cavewomen couldn’t just stroll into the meat department at the supermarket to pick up a choice cut. No, Mr. and Mrs. Caveman had to CATCH something, KILL IT, and COOK IT before they could sit down and EAT IT! Mr. and Mrs. Caveman were fit because going out for dinner meant chasing large animals around savannas, or stalking small animals through the bush. All this chasing and stalking burned more calories before a single meal than most modern carnivores burn in a week at the gym.Mr. and Mrs. Caveman wouldn’t know what to make of modern carnivores going out for dinner. Mr. and Mrs. Modern Carnivore sit on their fat, greasy asses in dimly lit restaurants, ordering cuts from animals most couldn’t pick out of a lineup, let alone pick off with a spear. In addition to being fatter and lazier than Mr. and Mrs. Caveman, Mr. and Mrs. Modern Carnivore are also keenly hypocritical, keeping some animals as pets, while happily sending other animals off to be slaughtered by poorly paid illegal immigrants.But just because you live in an urban area doesn’t mean you can’t know the calorie-burning joy and satisfaction of CATCHING IT, KILLING IT, and COOKING IT before EATING IT. Forget that step class, Mr. Modern Carnivore! Get off that treadmill, Mrs. Modern Carnivore! And throw away that Thighmaster!  Just follow our four easy steps — CATCH, KILL, COOK, EAT — and you’ll quickly connect with your inner caveman or cavewoman while staying effortlessly slim and trim. Have a good workout, and… bon appétit!

CATCH: Dog? Anywhere. Hundreds of the little buggers!

KILL: Depending on the size of the dog, you can wring its neck, shoot it through the head, or run over it with a van. Drain its blood and dismember.

COOK: Dog, a popular dish in China, is very versatile. To stir-fry dog, heat a small amount of oil in a wok. Cut dog into small cubes, then place in wok and brown evenly. When dog is brown, add chopped broccoli, snap peas, carrots, and soy sauce. Cover and let steam.

EAT: Serve with rice wine. Delicious!