It was at 06.10 local time, that a jubilant UT proclaimed to his sleeping wife ‘Got ‘im!’ UT Hooligan aged 32 from United Kingdom, has stalked his prey for four days with military precision.  Carefully tracking his nemesis across the garden, UT could often be heard muttering taunts such as ‘You’re over there aren’t you? You little bastard…but you’ll have to come back this way eventually and then I’ll ’ave you!’

UT’s preparations were extensive in this operation, living up to his motto of ‘Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance’. To the extent that UT was seen by his wife trying out the trap on a carrot to ensure that death would be swift, should any carrots inadvertently happen across the trap. The moles’ crime has most notably been the production of over twenty hills in the Hooligan garden, much to the chargrin of Bee (UTs’ wife), who has had to flatten them and shovel the earth off at speed, before her husband sets off with the lawn mower. The two eldest Hooligan children were woken immediately, so that they could experience a real live dead mole.  The Hooligan parents felt that this was a good grounding for life in East Anglia.

In a spurt of self-honesty, UT stated that he ‘may not do DIY, but nobody could say that he couldn’t catch things’ and also pointed out that this was probably going to be ‘the best part of his whole fucking day’ as he departed for work. UT is currently awaiting his acceptance into local society, as he has now proved unequivocally with the catching of the mole that he is ‘no wet-arsed townie’

  

 

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