FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a
small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And
don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present.
No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
“AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that £5.00 is too much money and executives believe
£5.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home
in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged
for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay
men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster
seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a
diet. We cannot control the
salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood
pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for
Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ucking Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr*icks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so
quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fu*cking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream
right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!