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In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the plan was without substance.
And the assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying “It is a crock of shit, and it stinks”.
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said “It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof”.
And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “it is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it”.
And the managers went to their Directors, saying “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength”.
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, “it contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong”.
And the directors went to the vice presidents saying unto them, “it promotes growth, and is very powerful”.
The vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him, “this new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects”.
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that is how shit happens.
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Need Motivation?
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…..then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity…..probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK…..means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don’t have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break..
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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TRANSLATIONS
In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotels towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read this notice.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is bring fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for Donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like a ride on your own ass.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner is dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Acapulco hotel: - The manager has personal passed all the water served here.
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are the best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well speaking. Here speaking American.
Thailand Adverti sement: Coca Cola brings your ancestors back from the dead.
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Please be aware that Tesco, Sainsbury and Safeway have all received a terrorist alert.
On the advice from the Police they have taken all Chinese and Indian meals off their shelves because they may have ricin.
(wa wa waaaaaaaaaa :-p)
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a fella below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The fella below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the fella, How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The fella below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the fella, you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault”.
(Work it out for yourselves)
Little Johnnie’s walking through the park one day, where he finds some welding goggles that somebody has obviously dropped. He puts them on, and everything’s gone green. He wanders about the park, looking in awe at everything with a green tint. The swings, the cricket pavaillion, the duck pond, the dirty old man…
“Hello little boy,” says the pervert, a faded Glam Rock star from the 1970’s. “Do you know what fisting is?”
“No mister,” replies little Johnnie.
“Well then, I wonder if you know what rimming is then?”
“No mister,” says Johnnie, a little bit scared by the weird old man in the bad wig.
“I see,” says the manky old spunker, rubbing his hands together, “Do you know how to do fellatio?”
“Sorry mister,” says Johnnie ripping off the goggles. “I’ve got something to confess. I’m not really a welder you know.”
